i can't tell you what it's going to be

It's been ages since I actually looked at my blog but here I am, 27 days before 2018 trying to maintain my AT LEAST one post a year on this blog.

Last I posted, I wasn't happy. Unfulfilled. Unfortunately, my unhappiness were diagnosed and had dire consequences to my overall being which unraveled itself over the course of that summer. That autumn I went back to Cardiff, I was determined to make some serious changes. I am, after all, the architect of my own happiness (major creds to Mustafa back in Marrakech for the highly inspiring, much need pep talk). Changes were slow but it came and progressed. Between September 2016 to May 2017, I was still adjusting. To the realities I was about to face, the truths I had to tell, the lies I told myself to hold myself up together. Maintaining the perfect facade I had built over the reality of my being.

Fast forward to December 2017.

I told my truths to the appropriate people albeit in a more roundabout way than it should have been and not the whole truth but the truth they wanted to hear. It's liberating to relieve the burden of keeping a secret. (I'm also being intensely vague as to what are these truths I am speaking of because A. I have no idea who's reading this B. I'd like to keep a semblance of privacy here). I'm happier, I reckon.

I laugh more. I'm doing something I enjoy. I don't have the same anxieties that I have two years ago. Everything's looking quite bright right now but I know it probably won't last. I'm not a pessimist, I promise but a realist. The people I have bonded with are leaving Cardiff in 2018 for industrial placements or graduating, so I'm back to square one aka 2016/2017. I don't know what I'd do in 2018/2019 but...

I'll be older and hopefully wiser, yes?

So I'll probably be... okay.

Then, what is this blogpost for?

To be honest, I don't know. A big part of me genuinely wanted to say 'Hey guys, life update: I'm happy now' but the realist in me has succeeded in persuading me to write 'Hey guys, life update, I'm happy now but not for long probably'. I don't what's in it for me in the future... What I do know is that I have to seize all the goddamned opportunities right in front of me right and not waste any minute. I'm getting older, more jaded, more sceptical of the world. I cannot lose the enthusiasm I have for the now at 22.

Pray that Toronto will be fantastic, a change from small hum-drum Cardiff but that's where I will be for the winter term. Such a waste to be spending my time there when life is so good here after two year worth of inner struggle. I must really secretly hate seeing myself happy.

Current location: a Phoenix gig

Current mood: sleepy

Current music: Phoenix - Ti Amo

p/s don't bloody tell me to calm down. my issues are relevant even if it's not to you.

Does anyone actually read what I write here anymore?

I first started this blog in 2008. I was thirteen and all I wanted to write about was k-pop bands and animes. My friends used to read what I wrote, we had similar interests, they had blogs as well and blogs were a thing. People used to write one sentence long Facebook statuses. The blogs was where you'd read about everything. Reviews, recipes, tutorials, rants, everything. Vlogs were a thing but they were not as HD as they are now, voice- overs were usually crap and buffering was a thing no one could be bothered to confront. YAS, buffering every two seconds was a thing. An unpleasant thing of the past that hopefully no one has to face ever.

When I was seventeen, I went through a period of angst and like most angsty teenagers in 2012, I vent on my blog, made a tumblr and reblogged some depressing af shit there. It took me a while to break out from my shell of angst, about a year. During that time, I called my teen angst ~depression~ because tumblr made being depressed pretty. Staring into the sunset kind of depression. I wasn't depressed. I was an angsty, immature little girl who thought that the world was against her and the only way out was to shut people out and escape.

About a year- ish later, I "found" myself because I had the chance to reinvent myself. I was happier with my new and improved self. No, scratch that. I wasn't happier, I was HAPPY. Content. satisfied. I have everything I wanted. I had a damn good life. I peaked, sort of, even if reaching to the peak was hurtful as hell but I peaked like I peaked when I was sixteen. Happy and thriving.

I left home at twenty, to another country. I thought I had it all.

I don't. I am as unhappy as unhappy can be. This time, it is real. It is not angst. It is bigger than angst. It is the realisation that I am unsatisfied with my state of loneliness.

In November, way back when in 2011, I wrote this;

'Perhaps, I've only realized this now but I don't really have a friend who truly enjoys the same things as I do. Last time I checked, most of them were guys or I have fallen out of love with the things I used to revel at. That or I have fallen out of touch with those who used to be the greatest of companions. Now, I'm just alone. 

It's not that I don't have friends, I just don't have my Pash yet. Oh dear God, please bless me with a Pash. The Bliss Cavendar in me is dying to have a Pash. An Oliver would be certain to spice things up too. But a Pash would do. An amazing friend like Pash would do. 

Now, who's Pash, you may wonder? Well, excuse my Whip It reference.'

Today, I am twenty turning twenty- one.

I moved to a place where I don't have a Pash. At sixteen, I was optimistic (see the use of yet). At twenty, I should be more mature, more confident and more aware of what I want, what I need. I am flailing, on the verge of drowning.

For the past nine months, I have been treading on water and now on my final month before I return home for summer, I am on the verge of drowning.

I have never felt more alone than I am right now.

Am I a sad milennial? But I haven't graduated, I haven't worked a single minute in my life and I am living extremely comfortably thanks to my amazing baby boomer parents.

I am sad because I don't know what I want in my life. Everything that I said I wanted a year ago, I attained it. I wanted to be here. I wanted to do what I am currently doing. But what happens when you run out of goals that define you? What if the goals that used to motivate you gets clouded by unhappiness? Then, how do you get rid of the dark cloud looming over your existence?

Unfortunately, this is not a blog of solutions. If I had a solution, I would have written a post called "How I Destroyed My Cloud of Unhappiness" but here I am, burdened with questions that only I can answer yet I am incapacitated to.

So, those are my problems. Problems I don't know how to solve. Problems I am too proud to seek help for. Because I shall not let myself be perceived as weak.

No one reads this anyway.

Goodbye and goodnight.

Current location: caerdydd
Current mood: moody af
Current music: Asgeir- King and Cross

if I could remain in one moment in life, I would choose to permanently be on the road in Iceland infinitely.

because i'm missing more than just your body

It's 7.34 pm in Cardiff. Back home, it's 3.34 am.

People would say it's homesickness.
The constant counting of the time back home.
Liking Justin Bieber's songs because the only time I hear them is when I'm driving around town with my friends.
The lack of my face in my Instagram posts because I don't feel like posting them without my friends.

Some people have it come quickly and it passes but unfortunately, not me.

It creeps up on me.

The Taff River reminds me of my last few days spent in Malaysia, driving two hours to a waterfall. Coming late and had to settle for the creek. Coming early, spent two hours lost climbing the wrong hill to nowhere in midday. The splash of the waterfall as it hits the rocks. The cool of the water. Naturally, the place itself was beautiful but the experience made it much more beautiful.

The songs on Spotify that I don't usually listen to but I do because... they were on the radio all the time back when I was in Malaysia.

The rare nights I spend in cars in Cardiff reminds me of driving home with my friends from ridiculous outings that began with

Where do you wanna go?
I don't know, you decide?
No, you decide!
Oh god, kita dah nak dekat traffic light kot, turn right ke go left ke go straight ke omg nak gi mana?
*goes right*
You nak gi mana?
I don't know, I panicked!

The longer I stay, the worse it becomes. Why did I decide to make my last weeks back home the best weeks of my life? Things would have been better for me here had I ruined the memories of home...

But how would you know that it would hit you the hardest when you were listening to Nico and Vinz's Am I Wrong? 

Six months and a couple of odd weeks before I get to go home. Hot, humid, sunny, densely populated home.

Little did I know that I would miss the traffic. Lights, sure. Traffic, really?

Current Location: 3 x 7 square metre room

Current Mood: tired

Current Music: Rudimental ft Emeli Sande- Free

i'd rather be alone

Intellectual, my ass hahaha. When I mentioned on my previous that I would be writing more because I have more thoughts now that I'm twenty, I must have forgotten that I also have a final exam looming. Note to self, 4th May 2015 is not really too far from here. However, this wild appearance of  second post do men that the occurrence of a blogpost has increased from once a year to more than that, heh. Anyway, what is it that is so important (or not important at all. Seeing as to how much I ramble here, this is probably of little importance) that it deserves more space than a Facebook post. Yea yea yea, I post stuff on Facebook now, whatever. That aside, the one thing that has been bugging me is solitude. Of course, it has bugged me in the sense of I just need to talk on and on and on about it (or type... in this case).

sol·i·tude

ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the state or situation of being alone.

   "she savored her few hours of freedom and solitude"

   synonyms:

   loneliness, solitariness, isolation, seclusion, sequestration, withdrawal,privacy, peace "she savored her solitude"

  .

It's interesting to see how easily the example is  she and not a he. Just interesting... I have no comments on that whatsoever. Are girls more lonely than boys? I don't know. Seriously, I don't.

Anyway, what's up with solitude, right? Well, the hizzle on the shizzle is... solitude is freaking awesome. Like, I totally savor solitude. You know, like the example. The state of being alone is amazing but it is pretty awkward (for me, at least) when I'm alone but I'm surrounded with people I know. Situations like that will inevitably lead me to wonder if people think I'm such a loser for being alone (honestly, I love being alone). Looking back, I can understand where this stems. It came from the countless "Sorang je?" I had throughout my life. Like a girl can't be alone for no reason at all?! Also, I don't think that this is a gender- associated problem but I can't really speak on behalf of the guys since I hardly know what they feel/ think.

Reasons why I love being alone:

1. I get to do whatever I want, however I want, whenever I want. 

Case in point: Let's say I go to a festival alone, I get to see all the shows I want without considering what my companions what to do, eat whatever the hell I want (some people don't like sushi...) and come, I get to take photos of whatever whenever whereever and go whenever I want (sometimes I want to be super early, sometimes I just don't want to rush). The cons, however, are pretty taxing on a bubbly soul like me (meh, bubbly ke?!). I get bored really quickly which will turn me into a really clingy texter, I don't get to have my photos taken (okaylah, this is because I'm too shy to ask people) and sometimes life is too dangerous for a young girl to be alone.

2. I don't have to be considerate

Not that I am selfish but it is nice to not have to think of others (I swear these points are/ will be redundant, dammit). My car, my playlist, my volume. This probably stems from the fact that my playlist is the most unfriendly playlist in the whole wide world. To find a musical soulmate is like finding hay in a needle stack (please excuse my Saw reference) but on the other hand, once there is a person that loves the same things as you do (music, film, books, leisure activities), the feeling's amazing because you don't have to be considerate  but it's because what you want is what the other person wants too.

3. The indescribable feeling of solitude

My favourite kind of solitude is the solitude that enables you to play music from the speakers. For me, a perfect night is the kind of rainy night (that isn't humid, oh my god, I swear all rainy nights in this country are humid) that forces you to pull on a sweater and you dim the lights, plays music from the speakers and read. Or watch a movie that makes you cry like Marley and Me kind of tears, not Nicholas Sparks tears (which I almost never get, like what is so sad?!).

Or the kind of solitude you experience when you see streetlights at night.

So, solitude. Sometimes, I associate solitude with music as in some music I just can't listen when there's people around. Most probably because my lips will curve into a strange, satisfactory smile that makes no sense to people around me (they'll probably think I'm crazy).

Anyway, here's my solitude playlist. Cheers!

Current Location: "college"

Current Mood: hungry?!?!?
Current Music: The Venopian Solitude- Khilaf Ratna

youth is wasted on the young

Assalamualaikum and hello, people in the cyberspace! How have you people been? Hahahaha, who am I asking... Anyway, it seems like the trend of me updating this dusty old blog (sweeps dust away and coos "Oooh you seven- year old baby") is annually? Which is terrible! Terrible indeed but hey, at least I get to see the yearly progress of my IB life.

Let's see. Semester one. I was just starting life outside home which I thought was going to be really cool (?!) ended up being pretty much... non- realistic. I mean, I went home every week, for God's sake! Who am I kidding. I didn't really experience actual college life or anything huh? Which means I was never homesick and... and nothing. One brand new experience I had was a "roadtrip" (sort of, I mean we took a plane to Kuala Terengganu but we drove once we were there...) with people who weren't my family and that was fun. I mean, I have never even set foot there and being able to visit there with people of my age who actually knew the place was fun!

Semester two and it began rather smoothly, actually very smoothly eventhough there was a bump along the way i.e. Selangor's terrible water crisis which made me have a three- week holiday off from college (where I spent those holidays going out, having fun and not study), I had chickenpox for the first time ever (duh... you only get it once in a lifetime, am I right? Also, it sort of extended my water crisis break into four weeks hehe). I also experienced a lot of what the college seniors dubbed as stressful IB/ KMB experiences i.e. endless weekly quizzes, killer Maths HL topics and I sort of overcome those days with a lot of crazy moments with my classmates and the canteen's nasi lemak (I think I ate those nasi lemak once a week and they weren't even thaaaaaaat good, you know comparatively to the one back home...) but hey, I survived!

Semester three happened and it was okay (pretty shitty but overall okay), I guess? Or was it terrible? I mean, judging by my exam results, it must have been okay but emotionally, God, it was fucked up. I procrastinated 99% of the time, got into a cold war (the silent treatment type) with a friend, made friends lost friends (this was the highlight of the emotional rollercoaster that is semester three, thank you, you fucking asshole) but there were a lot of fun moments too. I went to this push- your- boundaries camp called... well, it's called Pushing Boundaries and I never thought that 99% of my whole miserable college life after that always end up with the words "I wish I could return to PB again". That was how fun it was and that was how miserable college was (and still is). I also did some do- good efforts in Cambodia and that was fun though it was more holiday than volunteering, somehow. Then, everything went downhill from there but I won't dwell on that. What is the use of crying over spilt milk, anyway?

Right now, I'm living in semester four, the final semester of this grueling IB programme. Two months in and two months away from the final examinations. what scares me the most though, is not the final written exams. Not to brag, but I'm good in exams. I'm your typical overachieving Malaysian kid. I have been trained to ace exams and exams only and that's what's freaking me out. I haven't been trained to complete assignments on time. I haven't been trained to think critically for a 1, 500 words essay on what seems to be a very philosophical topic. Simply said, I am not cut out for 50% of the IB requirements. I finished my EE on what seem to be a very rushed timeline which meant it probably is going to suck and so is my TOK essay and the rest of my IAs because I have been procrastinating to no end (I'm supposed to do my IAs right now but hey, I'm blogging... after a year plus... and I chose today. Right. What the hell is wrong with me?!).

So here I am. Random work that don't matter for my final grade, done! Important urgent work, not done. I wish I could wake myself up and knock some sense into myself. Good God, pray for me people, pray! 

I suppose that is my rant for today. I just wanted to blog, somehow after my friend, Izyan asked me how come I don't blog anymore. So here I am. For no reason. Only to sum up my IB life. Also, I'm turning twenty this year, who would've thought I would make it this far, right? I mean, the next GE, I could vote already. I am mature already. Mehh, where got one. Still very childlike and holding my mum's hands wherever I go. Actually, I just remembered what I wanted to write about. 

I sort of spent a few hours or so yesterday reading my whole blog from A to Z and deleting most of the embarrassing blogposts I had and I wanted to reflect on that (Goddammit IB, now you're making me do a reflection on my blog too?!). I wanted to write on how much I have changed (a lot, actually, I'm rather surprised) and how some things I wrote back then were too idealistic, influenced by romanticism but there were a lot of aspects that remained true too like 

1. my dream night (the Nick and Norah post and I was reminded of it after a short conversation with a friend that included me saying a lot of "You have to watch it" "best movie ever" "freaking romantic".)

2. my list of things to do if I had 40 million (this was 100% idealistic and fucking romantic and would you believe it or not, the boy whom I made this list with are no longer in speaking terms with me?)

3. the funny moments I had in school (oh how I miss secondary school)

4. my sad, depressing posts on things like being unable to drive (I can now drive where the hell ever I want), having no similar- interest friend (I finally sort of have one and I realized that sometimes, being on your own is actually relaxing), wanting to murder everyone (I still harbour these emotions), my endless existential crises (I had these since I was 17, can you believe it?! And I still do have sleepless nights muddling about existentialism up until today...)

5. my social criticisms... which were very subtle (haha) and superficial

6. my amazingly awesome good taste in music (and film and books). READ MY BLOG AND WEEP PEOPLE. I was cool even before you people were cool, damn right.

That's it peeps, that's it. Goodbye and goodnight. 

Current Location: on my very pink bedsheets

Current Mood: in an existential crisis, methinks
Current Music: Akta Angkasa- Kognitif 2

p/s I think I'll be writing more often as I suddenly had a lot of pent- up thoughts in my mind (intellectual thoughts that is, now that I am almost twenty)