no one has the guts to shut us out.

All out of a sudden, there is a surge of people adding me on Facebook and I realized they all came from the same group of people. My old sekolah agama friends. I mistook one for another and and remembered their names wrong. We weren't very close in the first place but there are some whom I remembered spending a lot of good times with. Sneaking out of classes, cheating in our exams, pulling pranks, share our crushes and so on. And then, school ended.

We got separated. Unlike my public school friends, we attend the same secondary school and hang around the same old circles but they moved further away. A lot of them went on to boarding schools, mainly the Islam- centered ones. Looking at their pictures in an attempt to rediscover who is who, I realized that they were the kind of girls I could have been. Maybe, should have been.

Nice, good girls. Obedient. Good, generally. I admit, though I enjoy being free, part of me envy them. If I save money, it would have been to get myself into another concert, get my self another dress, buy another CD, buy another issue of a magazine. I save and I would spend on something my own mum would deem as useless. When they save money, they got themselves that new nasyid CD or the next issue of Solusi or that new Muslim- friendly novel.

They are the girls my mum would love me to be. Not the girl that spends RM 20 on a magazine that will end up all torn apart in an attempt to make a collage. Not the girl that buys a CD and ends up losing it between all the mess in the room. Not the girl who goes to movies and forgets what it was all about in the next three months. Yes, I admit. It might have been nice to be that kind of girl. Approved, not condemned.

Then again, I know I am not that girl. I am not obedient. I am not one to stay at home on a good day. I am not one to miss out on a good live show. I am not one to miss out on a good time. I don't care what people think, really. I am going to be the girl I want to be. I am not going to succumb under pressure and scrutiny and be the girl people want me to be. It's not like I run wild. Like Aizat said, I may be a "tudung girl" but I'm still cool.

And mum, an iPod is not the devil. Just because I shut myself out from the world when I plug on my iPod, doesn't mean I can't hear what you're saying. In fact, I can hear you all too well. I'm not listening to some satan- worshipping band. Even if they do, I don't care. I am not a Bieber fan. I don't care about the musicians. I care about the sounds they produce. Who cares if Julian Casablancas is a pedophile? He's not, just so you know. If the Strokes is good, then they're good.

It's not like I'm listening to some death metal either. Sure I have a song called 'Satan Said Dance' in my iPod but that song wasn't even related to Satan. Sure, Gaga is suspected an Illuminati. It's not like she told me to not pray, it's not like I go by what she preach either. Sure Hummingbird Heartbeat is pretty much about sex but it's not like I'm going to charge ahead and do it. Seriously, do you not trust me that much, ma?

I'd kill to say shut the hell up about all the crap you give to my "noisy crap". When I put a CD on, you said it's too noisy and change the radio station. Fine. When I plug my earphones, you said I'm listening to the devil. Well sorry, ma, I am not the girl you want me to be. And maybe I won't be the girl you want me to be.

Current Location: in a world where I deserve to be angsty
Current Mood: not all too well
Current Music: Set The Fire To The Third Bar- Snow Patrol ft Martha Wainwright

and Snow Patrol ain't the devil either.