the strange illusion that you keep

I have come to realization that I'm the one. Amidst all the so- called "change", I'm the one who changed. Not the environment, not the people and definitely not my class. I have changed a lot these past few months and thing is, I miss me. And I think people miss the me that I miss too.

I miss the girl that jumps at every little beautiful thing and shows it to everyone be it the shade of the sky, a moon at early morning or the buildings behind all the mist (or smoke?). I miss that girl. I miss the girl who does not blank in the middle of conversations or sits alone, staring into space. I wasn't that person before. I was the jovial one, the restless one. What happened in between all the disappointments and heartbreaks? What happened as time passes by? I'm supposed to know the reason why I'm so depressed and irritable. Why I'm so blank and boring. Why I'm so content with being left all alone by myself.

Is this where Paramore sings I sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness?

When did I start giving up? I want to be the person I was before. The let's go! girl. The one that fucking jumps. No hesitation, no fear. The one that made everyone laugh. Not the one that intimidates people and definitely not the stoned girl at the back of the classroom. What happened?

Honestly, I just don't know anymore. I cry at everything. Even the lamest, cheesiest stories on TV and I just don't laugh anymore. Everything falls short to amuse me. What happened to smiling so big, my eyes go sepet and my teeth overwhelms my face? Laughing so hard, I couldn't breath. Feeling something so amazing, I couldn't speak. That's just history.

Now can someone take me out for a Subway, then get some of The Last Polka's Nutella or Teh Tarik ice cream before heading to an outdoor movie fest. After that, we'll go catch Tenderfist on some rooftop a la Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist ending scene without missing the show. Instead, it's past midnight, there's gamajillion (haven't used this happyhappy word in a while) stars visible to the naked eye and Tenderfist plays the hidden track in It's Sunday, We're Alive". Night turns to day, it's 5 a.m., They Will Kill Us All shows up out of nowhere, the opening riffs of Under The Red Sky was heard loud and clear and the sun- the beautiful, glorious sun was rising. And maybe if I was like 25 at that time, propose (provided that you're the guy I'm hopelessly and madly in love with).

And maybe one day, I'll have a song as cute and adorable like Nick and Norah's theme at (0:20). Beautiful. Yes, I'm obsessed and a big dreamer. Why can't I be?


And THIS!

Current Location: At Maida Vale, serenaded by SBTRKT's Trials of the Past
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: How Deep Is Your Love- The Rapture (so, SBTRKT left the stage and The Rapture comes out of nowhere. Literally)

p/s Ok so, I kind of want to have a Nick & Norah NYC Night Out but that's a little macam haram so, I'll have my adapted version, thank you.

can I have your wayward stare?

Recognise the phrase 'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'? You have probably seen it around Tumblr, reblogged it because you felt angsty on a bad night without knowing who said it. David Levithan wrote that in Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I have never read Will Grayson, Will Grayson. The prospects of reading about two teenage boys in an "epic production of high school musical" seems very off- putting, gross but David Levithan, the same guy that wrote half of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (the other half was Rachel Cohn) and John Green (Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines) succeeds in capturing the angst in all of us.

Who in the world has never felt like killing themselves or killing everyone around them? Surely, committing suicide is easier than going on a homicide rampage but the latter is a better choice. Why should I die and lose out on all the great opportunities in life when I could just eliminate all these pests? Eliminate all these people who are always obstructing my pathway to happiness? Eliminate all the same people who's always causing me distress.

I have never been optimist, I am always the girl who found opportunities, look for opportunities but end up being on the losing end. How can I be an optimist when everything I want falls out of reach when it felt so near? Time and time again, I have to put up a strong front and tell myself, it's fine but how much is too much? What happens when the water gets too high?

Is the water too high now? Is that why I felt like holding a pillow over a girl and suffocate her? Is that why I hope people's car crashes?

Is the water too high?

Is this the part in the book where it seems like a happy ending is coming but the young protagonist ends up killing herself?

Is this the part where I drown? Where I don't wake up anymore. Or is this the part where I wake up with bloody hands, outside a house engulfed in fiery flames. Maybe this is what the teenage arsonists and murderers felt. Disappointment and pain without the sense of what's right and wrong. I empathise with them, I really do but my conscience tells me otherwise.

One more year, it tells me. One more year to wait until you can leave everything behind and start again. Start fresh. Be your own person, be a new person. One more year, it tells me.

One more year until a new beginning. Don't go killing anyone or yourself yet. Just one more year. Maybe the next time I wake up, the water will never get too high and I won't find myself in middle of the night sobbing away the misery.

Current Location: too close to today than tomorrow
Current mood: tired
Current music: What You Want- Bombay Bicycle Club

p/s So, um, A Different Kind of Fix is a great album for the depressed, oppressed and repressed

all that live must die.

I am tired. Exhausted. And I'm also suffering from a severe case of flu. My Biology tuition teacher once said that everytime you get a flu, it's a different kind of antigen that is attacking your immune system. So, tell me, how many antigens had attacked me? How many more left? Or am I simply, not immune to them and that the same antigens have been attacking me over and over and over again?

How many more because I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of coughing and sneezing. I am just tired, in general.

This is meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Antigens attacking me. My, learning of the antigens attacking me, the process of it, the body's response to it but yet I cannot do anything to prevent or hasten the process. I just lay there, waiting for something that never comes. A cure for forever. What is the point of everything then? What is the point of learning when I can't change anything? I learnt that pills destroy you, it destroys your liver but yet whenever we get sick we pop a pill. I ate five Panadols and two Clarinase today but I still feel like chugging the whole bar. It still wouldn't help and it will kill me instead if I ingest everything.

So, how do I survive? How do I save myself without killing myself? This is meaningless when all that live must die.What is the point of lengthening a few years of our lifespan when we do so little to repent? When we don't even seek for atonement? What's the point of wishing for a healthy and long life when we do nothing productive of it?

I tell myself everyday, this too shall pass but that's not true. Nothing passes. Everything just ends up lingering over you.

Current location: Somewhere I don't belong
Current mood: -
Current music: Untitled- Diandra Arjunaidi

ask and you shall receive.

Hello, folks. So, I haven't been blogging for a while. The busy life of a sleepless seventeen sixteen year old. HAH! NOT! It's just that inspiration comes in the night- time and I have lost the night- time computer privileges, whoopee!

Okay, so, life in the last year of school wasn't as I had expected. Class is boring. Especially, when you're stuck in a class where everyone is absurdly nice and smart (probably eat brains for lunch, those people) and you're the only one who comes late to school, doesn't pass up books and skips class. So, where do I fit in? I can't even cheat anymore... and maybe you don't have to know that. Hahahaha.

Last year, I thought my class sucked. This year, I think my new class sucks. Question is, which one sucks more? As per usual to people who dislike change, old is better than new but to me, everything has its pros and cons. So, 4C or 5A? The answer is I prefer 4C. Less pressure, more 'kyo- kyo'.

WHAT THE FUDGE IS 'KYO- KYO'?

Okay, so, last year, my class is notorious for half of the class skipping Biology lab sessions with Puan Latiffah. One day, all of us were caught by the discipline teacher, En. Selva. He's not a scary guy or anything but obviously, a punishment will be bequeathed upon us. Anyways, the ones who skipped were a bunch of Chinese (not to be racist or anything but they were Chinese) and Nina, Adilah, Rash and I. So, comes in En. Selva who went on and on about the Chinese student whom he dubbed 'The Kuey Tiaw Gang'.

"You ah, Kuey Tiaw Gang can kyo- kyo (chatter) until Valentine's Day next year. Kyo- kyo away..." Then, he noticed us. Rash took off in a split second. "Why are you girls here?" he asked. Adilah said that we were confused and thought class was upstairs because half the class was upstairs. True enough... Never mind that half the Kuey Tiaw gang wasn't even in my class.

So, Kuey Tiaw Gang > A++ students. I kyo- kyo a lot. I sing in the class a lot. I like to cause mental trauma to Qin Hui a lot (not to be revealed what I did to him. Hahahaha). I like to bake a million red velvet cupcakes and stuff my face with it in class. I miss eating lasagna with the girls in class. Hanging out at the back with the gang.

It's entering March and I barely speak. I sleep and I do delayed homeworks. I eat in class alone. Boring manufactured bread. I don't even feel like I'm contributing anything to my class (last year, decorations were a blast and Alex Turner was somewhere in there). I became a wallflower, the boring kind. Not the holla- I got a big smile- I looove nachos- I love Red Bull- and I'm high 90% of the time.

Thing is, my new class, most of them are extroverts who already know each other. I'm like 'hi, I'm from 4C, you may mistake me as Farah, call me Izyan and ignore me.' It doesn't help that time drags on like it was carrying a 500 tonnes load. Life is boring and uninspiring. Someone make it December already. I just want everything to end so I can actually have time for myself which I barely have now.

I haven't even finished reading the books I got last month. Usually, it took me a week to end one. I haven't written anything in the past month, discover any fresh music, went to the cinema to catch a film, been to anything. And I'm probably going to miss The Pains of Being Pure at Heart show at KLPac this weekend regardless whether I win the tickets or not. Someone just save me already. I asked for them to come yet I probably can't go. Ask and you shall receive, right?

Current location: popteevee.net (That Effing Show, woohoo! It's been a while, I miss you, baby)

Current mood: further from happy than I expected

Current music: Counter Productive- The Great Metropolitan Expressway

hang out with the stars and the big moon

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and yes, I spare no time for petty hellos). What defines independent music? Or indie as those young young people call it. Indie music is oh- so common and famous these days but are they indie? Is indie now a genre? IS INDIE FROM INDIA? Okay, that wasn't funny...

But anyway, way way back when I used to listen to this so called "indie" genre, they were ultimately independent. Running along without a proper label or management. Self funding their releases. Independent financially, hence the coined term, indie. So, I was listening to indie. 5 YEARS AGO.

I was on Facebook the other day and I saw a post, "Any good indie music recommendations?" A girl told him to listen to Vampire Weekend's Giving Up The Gun. VAMPIRE WEEKEND IS INDIE NOW?! Blame Wikipedia. Blame Allmusic. Sure. After all, Vampire Weekend is still under XL (independent music label in the UK, quite massive, they spawned Adele!) in the UK.

All those so called indie musicians are now mainstream regardless whether the masses want to acknowledge the fact or not. They're all signed to huge labels like Virgin, Mercury or little tiny labels (to mask their mainstreamness) that are a part of a huge corporate operation. So how now brown cow? All you "cool hipsters" who listen to Foster the People. They're not indie... Alternative? Sure! Indie? Hell no.

And then, there's the whole Hipster Issue. Malaysians vs. the World. Malaysian hipsters are so weird and the least cool of the world's hipsters. People regard those Supra wearing, DSLR slinging teens loitering in Bukit Bintang hipsters. What?! While the rest of the world has pretty blue- blond girls with tribal printed tank tops and cute boys in TOMS, slinging analogue Leicas .

Click the illustration! Read the post!

Okay, so I admit, I think they're cute and I kind of adore them but hey, I'm more hippie than hipster. I want to camp in a teepee during Coachella or Leeds Festival. I want to drink organic green tea while inhaling the scent of vanilla incense sticks. And no it's not the same as drinking organic coffee.

Current location: in a teepee during Coachella with Ezra Koenig

Current mood: happeyh

Current music: Dilettante- St. Vincent

Come to think of it, Johann just called me hipster versi pencinta jejaka Amerika jiwang yang berjambang lebat i.e. Bon Iver, Iron and Wine. His new mutant hipster creation. Hahahahaha.