Friday, August 26, 2011

we're strangers in an empty space

In my sixteen (almost) years of living and breathing, I had many musical phases in my life. There was the Teeny Pop- Bopper Phase.

I hearted Jesse McCartney and Aaron Carter. I was ten. I fought with primary school friend, Suraya over who had dibs over Jesse McCartney. He was blonde then, he was gorgeous. Definitely a beautiful soul that one. I also adored Hilary Duff (courtesy of her stint as Lizzie McGuire which catapulted her into Tween Queen Status) and then- redhead Lindsay Lohan. Britney Spears was still normal. Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi was still playing on radio stations. I had that phase.

The following year (my Teeny Pop- Bopper Phase actually began at the end of the year), by February, I started watching TRL on MTV after school. I learned about Fall Out Boy (I know Dance Dance and Sugar, We're Going Down by heart), discovered Panic! At The Disco (they had the exclamation mark back then). I Write Sins Not Tragedies was on rotate, blaring through the speakers. Little did I know what 'whore' meant back then.

At the same time of my FOB/ P!ATD Phase, I started to watch One Tree Hill and Grey's Anatomy religiously. It was around Season 4. I had a Season 1-3 marathon courtesy of my eldest sister. I loved One Tree Hill. Jesse McCartney, what? It's all about Chad Michael Murray now and the music, God, the music! Explosions in the Sky, The Killers, Bethany Joy Lenz, most of the bands that made me who I am today, I discovered on OTH. If not OTH, it was Grey's. I hadn't understood remorse or yearning and all the sadness that revolves around GA yet. I thought the songs were just, pretty. Au Revoir Simone, Kate Havnevik, Anna Nalick, Brandi Carlile, I didn't know that they were inspiring and deep.

To top it off, at the same time, I also began watching Laguna Beach and the O.C. I had a new crush; Adam Brody. He was the kind of guy I thought I would wanna date when I'm sixteen. Little did I know how messed up he was. I wanted to be Marissa. The episode where she died, either it hadn't premiered yet or I haven't watched it yet. She was messed up. I discovered Matchbox Twenty. How Far We've Come was just something I could be singing everyday.

Around the same time, Shrek (which one, I couldn't remember) came out. I had a marathon. I discovered Frou Frou, Butterfly Boucher. Matchbox Twenty was part of the soundtrack. At age of eleven, I hearted soundtracks. Who would've thought that a fantasy cartoon movie pushed me deeper into Alternative Rock or basically, I'm in the Fuck, Mainstream. I'm Going Alternative Phase.

By the time I turned twelve, somehow, I began a strange infactuation with animes and mangas. Maybe it was because I started to watch Animax religiously. I loved Tsubasa Chronicles (anything by Clamp, really) and Gundam. Out of a sudden, I'm into Japanese music. I adored Kinya Kotani, Hajime Chitose, L'arc~en~Ciel and KAT-TUN. Japan dominated my life and Alternative? Well, I was still listening to it. Sometimes. 2007 was the year I called My Otaku Phase. I even started to buy manga regularly. Never mind that they were expensive.

Late 2007, TV series KAMI premièred. I watched it. I instantly fell in love with the soundtrack. Reza Salleh, Bittersweet, Meet Uncle Hussain; that was my jam. I was in my Local Scene Phase. It was a good phase. Why support foreigners when you can support locals? I also discovered Dance to the Radio and attempted to get their EP. I failed. Miserably. Downloaded their bootlegs a year later.

Mid 2008, I was thirteen. Somehow, I started listening to K-pop. It bands of the time were Big Bang (God, how I loved loved Lies, Last Farewell and Haru Haru), DBSK (they were still a unit of five then) and Wonder Girls. I wanted to be Yoobin of Wonder Girls after watching their So Hot clip. This sparked the Manic K-pop Phase in which I'm not proud of.

Late 2008, I was about to cancel my subscription with the MTV newsletter. We The Kings caught my eye. MTV was giving away free downloads and some of them were Iron & Wine (Boy With A Coin), All Time Low (Dear Maria, Count Me In), We The Kings (Check Yes Juliet) and Vampire Weekend (A- Punk). I never cancelled my subscription. I regretted naming my blog what it is now. I thought I was too cool to change it like all my peers that hopped domain to domain. I still regret it.

At the same time, I discovered Yuna. Her song was on some local drama on 8TV. I heard Rocket. I hearted Rocket. I hearted Yuna. I hearted the fact she wore the hijab. When I discovered Yuna on Myspace (Youtube videos were LQ and Myspace was still "cool"), I began to listen to Estrella, Lightcraft (I even bought their album!) and Hujan (they just released Pagi Yang Gelap). KAMI the Movie came out with an even better soundtrack. At age of thirteen, I had The Multiple & Clashing Music Preferences Phase but I assure you, I wasn't confused. Koreans, Americans and Malaysians; I can handle them all.

2009. I listened to K-pop and local music way excessively. I referred this as the Asian Phase. I hearted 2PM. I also discovered the other side of Korean music. Through the then- still- amazing- and- tearjerking Korean dramas and movies (Boy, was I in love with Son Ye Jin, Jung Woo Sung, Jeon Ji Hyun and Song Seung Hyun back then!), I learned how not every Korean song have to be a power ballad or pop. I discovered Clazziquai and Loveholic. Through their label, I discovered Epik High. I still listen to these three bands religiously.

Around 2010, things took a major change. Koreans became famous. I hated fame. I loved exclusivity. Besides, as of late 2009, I bought more NYLONs than I did before. I heard Mumford & Sons way before they were famous even in America. I watched (500) Days of Summer. I heard the Temper Trap and Feist. I read Perks of Being A Wallflower. I heard the Smiths. I became what I am today. Now, I realized this, I'm calling this My Part Hipster Phase.

The K-pop I knew crumbled anyway. Jay Park officially left 2PM. DBSK split up. Wonder Girls pretty much disappeared. The mass began to love all the cutesy stuff. SNSD was propelled to fame. Big Bang disappeared to Japan. New groups were debuting. Too much new groups. That phase is officially over. That phase represented something bigger. I fell out of love with K-pop. It represented the disintegration of my friendship with someone I regarded as a close friend.

2011. Nothing changed since then. I still am listening to Mumford and Sons and the Temper Trap. I still read Perks of Being a Wallflower from time to time. I still own and buy my NYLONs. I still loath K-pop. I quit Korean classes. I'm doubting if I ever want to pick it up again. I aced my last evaluation. I'm still figuring out my love/ hate relationship with Korea and said friend.

2011. I wonder if she ever thought of me. I wonder if she missed me. I wonder if she ever thought that if and only if we apologized, would things actually be the same like it was back then? I couldn't stand Koreans. I shut myself off when I see the Korean Wave thing. While the rest of the world is supporting the "wave", I am against it. I wonder if we made up, would I love it again?

Current Location: What- if Land
Current Mood: what if, what if, what if
Current Music: Ungu- Kekasih Gelapku

p/s I've wrote too much. I know. But who cares. And I miss Ungu. Peterpan. Sheila on 7. Fuck, this is getting all nostalgic. I feel like buying Keane's album. Random, I know.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

we've pulled too many false alarms

Right now, I am practicing self inflicted pain. I am listening to Rap. Unlike my usual preferences of rap (aka Epik High and Lupe Fiasco), I'm listening to what I really and utmostly despise. Nicki Minaj. If you know me really well, you would know that I hate what Nicki Minaj preaches, her voice, her look, everything. Nicki Minaj. So, why am I putting myself in this awful position? Well, staying alone quietly with my deepest thoughts is really self destructing. Mentally, of course.

Some how, the usual cures; John Mayer, Paramore, Maroon 5, Khottal, Arcade Fire, Epik High, they don't seem to work. They're supposed to work. They're supposed to be my Placebo. They're supposed to psyche me to feel all happy again. To feel better. The combination of rain, sleep, sudoku and John Mayer never failed before. Albeit that, they used to be accompanied by ice- cream or chocolate or whatever but I doubt that's the failing point. John Mayer always work.

With the failure of everything dawning on me, I am left with the one thing I know would distract me from my thoughts; Rap. I am not emotionally bound to Lil Wayne and LMFAO as I am to Mumford and Sons and the Temper Trap. I am not in love with Chris Brown as I am with Ellie Goulding. I don't tie Pitbull to scenes of my life as I do to MGMT and Feist. I am not as hopelessly wishing I'm the girl John Mayer sang about than Akon. Rap is something I can't ruin. I can't hate it if something goes awry as I already hate it.

I'm not saying that I hate people who likes rap. I mean, my friends, my friends! loves Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne and LMFAO. Who the hell is Feist? But rap would eventually tire me. Annoy me. It would eventually expire its welcome. I would move back to Snow Patrol and Matt Costa. Besides, how long can I actually survive listening to some guy wishing he was up and in a hoe's throat? No more that 10 minutes, sorry. I'd take Big Time Rush's gay faces anytime over Nicki Minaj.

Current Location: next to Hitam, my love
Current Mood: doomed (or so say John Mayer in Slow Dancing In A Burning Room)
Current Music: Cold December- Matt Costa

Monday, August 8, 2011

to me, you are

Inspired by What You Are To Me by Chelsea Fagan.

To me, you are 5.00 p.m. The rain just stopped. It was incredibly sunny but dripping wet. And extremely windy. The grass and the tress were saturated with colour. Rain made them brighter in shade. I'm outside sitting on a white porch chair with a cup of Milo, a long overdue History homework and Yuna on my iPod. My fat tabby cat curled up on the chair opposite of mine. Purring. You are that perfect afternoon in this ever terrible climate.

To me, you are the smell of garlic stir- fried in oil waiting for another ingredient to be put into the pan when I pass by the kitchen on the way home from school. The smell of home cooking. The feeling I get when I realized that something good is cooking in the kitchen which is a rare sight when the house is in the midst of renovation. You are the smell of affection and love in the form of food.

You are the time I scrolled through HBO's movie list and magically found a screening of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist at let's say, primetime. I get that warm, fuzzy feeling that someone out there in HBO Asia's office appreciates Nick and Norah. Appreciates good music though in reality, they were simply paid to air the movie. I still felt happy anyway.

You are a song. False Start by Furniture.You're pretty. You're upbeat. You lift me up. You made me dance around trying to mimic the lyricless beginning of the song. You are my ringtone. Actually, I rephrase. You are a few songs, actually. You are the Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition. Simply because that's what you are, honestly. You are Khottal. YMFT. Truly.

You are 4.00 a.m. I'm alone. I looked up the sky and there were a sea of stars. And a moon. I have never seen a sight like it before. I had yet to turn fifteen but I have seen the gorgeous Subang skyline. I was in a mosque. Hurriedly dressed up but I smelled like Victoria's Secret. I had an amazing laugh- until- you- burst- into- tears night. I was away from home. I saw the stars. I was utterly and completely happy. You are that.

Sometimes, you're not all that happy parts. You are an afternoon where I slept the whole day just so I don't have to face anything. With Dido on, of course. There are times when you are a Sufian Abas excerpt. You are sad, deep, stupid and I'm the fool. Most of the times like this, you are a bad, overrated K-pop band with a penchant for gauzy suits, tarty platinum blonde hair and awful English pronunciation.

You are this big lump of things. Both good and bad. Like a chocolate crumble soft cookie and I'm looking for the chocolatey gooey part. Sometimes there's a lot of it. Sometimes I can't even find any but when I found it, I'm ecstatic and I'm savouring every second of it. You are inhuman. You are a chocolate crumble soft cookie. Nuff said. Now, can someone drive me to Subway to get one? No? I'll die a little inside then, for tonight.

Current Location: perched on a clock
Current Mood: waiting for 7.30 p.m. to strike
Current Music: Everyone's Starting Over (Diggs cover)- Beat Radio

To anyone out there, if you're reading, check out Beat Radio.