i want a quiet kind of love (because i'm a quiet kind of lover)

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

The Quiet World- Jeffrey McDaniel

Current Location: somewhere you probably don't need to know
Current Mood: eternally depressed
Current Music: Perth- Bon Iver

p/s I have no idea how I went from perfectly blissful (Sigur Rós is coming to Malaysia for Urbanscapes!) to depressed.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Truth be told, I am afraid of the outcome that is The Perks of Being a Wallflower the movie. Maybe I wouldn't be as fearful had I not read it earlier. I read the book years ago. I was fourteen. I had developed such a kinship with the book that I can't explain. It's my book.

Pre- trailer, I hated the sound of it. Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller, Paul Rudd, Nina Dobrev, Johnny Simmons, Mae Whitman and Kate Walsh in one movie? I mean, they are all great actors and I do like them (maybe not so on Kate Walsh and Mae Whitman) but them(all of them?!) in TPOBAW? I see it a little differently at first.

(a) I thought Ezra Miller was Charlie at first  because he was ever so haunting in We Need to Talk About Kevin (I also imagined Charlie to be stick- thin as was the case of the clinically different characters). Ezra Miller was insane as Kevin in the said film but then again maybe too creepy looking. He would be a great Marcus in Suckerpunch (not the 2011 film but the 2008 book) though.

(b) Kate Walsh, mum, ew.

(c) Mae Whitman, in my head, for sure she'll be cast as Mary Elizabeth. That I know with her dark look in Scott Pilgrim and Parenthood. But I imagine Mary Elizabeth more different. Thinner, scarier, maybe Rooney Mara + Kristen Stewart- ish.

(d) Emma Watson was an okay choice but her English accent puts me off. I did however imagine that Sam has a pixie cut just like Emma Watson eventhough in the book she had long hair.

(e) Paul Rudd, too funny to make TPOBAW. I don't know why but I had Aaron Eckhart in mind as Bill and especially, when Logan Lerman was cast as Charlie, I immediately thought of Eckhart. Maybe because of his previous movie with Logan Lerman (Meet Bill, 2007) in which they both were great in!

(f) Nina Dobrev, I kind of had her face in my mind as Charlie's sister when it is said that a movie is being made based on the book. So, yay!

(g) I thought Johnny Simmons was going to be Patrick. He can be gay without looking gay. But him hooking up with a hot football hunk is ew, weird. Johnny Simmons as the hot football hunk? What?!

(h) Logan Lerman is simply not weird enough or psychologically troubled enough. I mean, he could be but not in the Charlie- esque sense.

However, post- trailer (and the re- reading of the book), my views changed a little and after seeing Ezra Miller all tanned last night at the MTV Awards, my views on Ezra Miller changed a lot.

(a) Ezra Miller is too tall, too hot, too charismatic and also too old to be Charlie but he seems cool enough to be Patrick. Just weirded out by the 'be aggressive! Passive, aggressive!' . Patrick's not that gay. He's more of a normal, cool, kind- of hipster guy who just happens to like men in a sexual way.

(b) Emma Watson's American accent is just fine. But ugh, I also imagined Sam to be a little Alaska Young- ish (from Looking for Alaska- a book by John Green) without the moodiness. But Emma Watson looks too popular crowd- ish to be Sam. Ugh, dilemmmmaaaaas!

(c) My views on Paul Rudd did not change.

(d) Johnny Simmons can't be Patrick or Brad. At all. He could be Bob. But Bob's much older.

(e) Logan Lerman is just fine too. I mean, Charlie's not retarded or psycho. He's just a kid. But maybe they could cast a younger looking actor but never mind.

(f) Mae Whitman and Logan Lerman dating? Um, no. No matter how much Mae Whitman embodies Mary Elizabeth, the look of them together is weird eventhough their relationship is supposed to be awkward- looking but this is just different. The angle of awkwardness is different than what I imagined.

(g) No Kate Walsh, please.

(h) The pallette and the ambience better feels like it is the 90's because if it turned up looking very modern, I'd be very very disappointed.

(i) The songs in the movie better be fucking amazing because I sure as hell be disappointed of the soundtrack sucks. Fortunately, an individual named Alexandra Patsavas is involved with the music direction. I don't know who she is but she was involved in several shows/ films that has great music in it i.e. Twilight Saga, Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy. So far, the song in the trailer, thumbs up! Imagine Dragons ftw!

(j) We were infinite. And in that moment, I felt that we were infinite. Since the movie is more of a narration (I hope it is since the book is), shouldn't it remain its nature? I mean, he is reliving each moment by writing an anonymous letter, right?

(k) Bill was the one who said "We accept the love we think we deserve" but then again, some lines probably are manipulated to fit the film.

(l) If I were to watch this movie, I have to watch it alone because to watch TPOBAW with the company of others is like reading a book when someone is staring at you. Reading is personal. This book is personal to me. The movie is personal to me.

(m) I think I will cry watching this movie. Especially if the soundtrack is mindblowing.

(n) Hope this movie actually do hit local theatres unlike Scott Pilgrim and Whip It (both didn't end up premiering here) or (500) Days of Summer (two weeks run at Sunway Pyramid and a few other theatres in Malaysia)

(o) I'm too obsessed with the book. Then again, I have read it so many times that I remember it by heart.

But no matter how much I whine and complain, Stephen Chbosky is overlooking the production of the film and the producers of Juno is producing this film and with the Patsavas person (or whoever) and the movie is already completed anyway, they know what they're doing. They are great people. I just hope that the film turns out great too. I just hope that there aren't too many people bimbos who pretends to like the movie later on when they don't even understood it.

Current Location: Tree Hill, One. Tree. Hill! Woo!

Current Mood: perfectly fine

Current Music: Naive- The Kooks

p/s if there's a guy named Ezra who's cute and around my area and age range, please say hi to me. I'm happy to fall head over heels over you :)

smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

There's this thing with girls where they want to be a cat, a ninja, a mermaid or a unicorn. Did I miss anything? Or maybe they want to be some cool Mexican guy who has a moustache and eat tacos all day called Pedro. But they have this thing in which they want to be something but them. Guys don't have this. I mean, they do, but they want to be a person. They don't want to be an animal or a mythical character. Guys want to be footballers, rockstars or rappers. They want to be human. They rather be imperfect humans than be something else.

I get it though, why girls want to be everything but human. For instance, I wish I was a cat. You may assume that it is because I adore cats. I do adore them, but that's hardly the reason.

Have you ever seen a cat that's not beautiful?

Cats come in different colours, shape, breed, fur and whatever they are, they're beautiful. They are these furry wonders (or furless, in the case of the Sphinx). Being a girl is hard. Not everyone is physically attractive. Only those long- legged girl with nice hair and clear face are but cats? They are ALL attractive in every aspect. Fat cats are cute. Long and lean cats are just gorgeous. Short haired, long haired, who cares? White fur, brown fur. Almond eyes, round eyes, no eyes. Ever heard anyone say, "Gosh, I just hate those kind of cats?"? The only hatred you ever hear is how creepy cats look at people or how their eyes shine in the night which could both be beautiful or scary.

Girls, on the other hand, get judged and they judge. Oh my God, you're so tan! Did you put on weight? Your haircut, um, looks weird. What's wrong with your skin? Why are you so thin? Your hair is so frizzy! You have short legs. Your eyebrows are waaay to near to each other. Is that a unibrow?! Your arms are hairy. Everyone has their flaws but cats? Even if they have three eyes but one eye is dead, they're still beautiful as ever. Imagine if a girl has that.

Cats are also confident. Look at the way they strut. Head up, chest forward, legs straight, tail swaying wildly. Look at how they look at you. Look at how they strut in front of a dog on a leash. Cocky but confident, nevertheless. They crouch low on the ground eyeing the squirrel and then pounce on it, no hesitation. They almost never do get it but no one tells them to try harder. No one criticizes they way they pounce or their timing. No one tries to send them obedience class after they hauled in mice and cockroaches and birds into the house. Their catch of the day semi- alive, of course.

They simply don't get judged. They can groom themselves all day long and no one calls them vain. No one calls them overdressed, over made- up. No one looks at a cat and criticizes the cat. And cats get what they want, what everyone else want to. To laze in the sun. To sleep all day. To eat with no worry. To run free. To look their worst and embrace it. To fight for what they want. To demand for what they want. To chase what they want without being ridiculed.

Cats are carefree and beautiful. Isn't that just what each and every girl want to be?

Cats have no sin. They are pure no matter how much they bite and scratch you. No matter how much they agitate and worry you.

Cats were worshipped as deities in Ancient Egypt. Abu Hurairah was named Father of Cats (Abu Hurairah literally means Father of Cats, actually) because he loved cats and cared for stray cats. Chinese and Japanese folks believe that cats bring good luck. That's why you see cute statues of cats in their shops all the time. And if you s much as hurt a cat intentionally, it is a sin. Imagine if one starve and torture one.

Nuff said, I want to be one of our feline friend as they are no other creature more noble and beautiful than the cat.

Current Location: Land of Cats (now that my cats absolutely adore sleeping around me, pushing my head off the pillows and hogging one whole double bed)

Current Mood: happy

Current Music: Change of Season- Sweet Thing (opening and closing song of Easy A. Have you watched it? No? GO!!)

p/s thumbs up of you get the title. Friends ftw.

the strange illusion that you keep

I have come to realization that I'm the one. Amidst all the so- called "change", I'm the one who changed. Not the environment, not the people and definitely not my class. I have changed a lot these past few months and thing is, I miss me. And I think people miss the me that I miss too.

I miss the girl that jumps at every little beautiful thing and shows it to everyone be it the shade of the sky, a moon at early morning or the buildings behind all the mist (or smoke?). I miss that girl. I miss the girl who does not blank in the middle of conversations or sits alone, staring into space. I wasn't that person before. I was the jovial one, the restless one. What happened in between all the disappointments and heartbreaks? What happened as time passes by? I'm supposed to know the reason why I'm so depressed and irritable. Why I'm so blank and boring. Why I'm so content with being left all alone by myself.

Is this where Paramore sings I sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness?

When did I start giving up? I want to be the person I was before. The let's go! girl. The one that fucking jumps. No hesitation, no fear. The one that made everyone laugh. Not the one that intimidates people and definitely not the stoned girl at the back of the classroom. What happened?

Honestly, I just don't know anymore. I cry at everything. Even the lamest, cheesiest stories on TV and I just don't laugh anymore. Everything falls short to amuse me. What happened to smiling so big, my eyes go sepet and my teeth overwhelms my face? Laughing so hard, I couldn't breath. Feeling something so amazing, I couldn't speak. That's just history.

Now can someone take me out for a Subway, then get some of The Last Polka's Nutella or Teh Tarik ice cream before heading to an outdoor movie fest. After that, we'll go catch Tenderfist on some rooftop a la Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist ending scene without missing the show. Instead, it's past midnight, there's gamajillion (haven't used this happyhappy word in a while) stars visible to the naked eye and Tenderfist plays the hidden track in It's Sunday, We're Alive". Night turns to day, it's 5 a.m., They Will Kill Us All shows up out of nowhere, the opening riffs of Under The Red Sky was heard loud and clear and the sun- the beautiful, glorious sun was rising. And maybe if I was like 25 at that time, propose (provided that you're the guy I'm hopelessly and madly in love with).

And maybe one day, I'll have a song as cute and adorable like Nick and Norah's theme at (0:20). Beautiful. Yes, I'm obsessed and a big dreamer. Why can't I be?


And THIS!

Current Location: At Maida Vale, serenaded by SBTRKT's Trials of the Past
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: How Deep Is Your Love- The Rapture (so, SBTRKT left the stage and The Rapture comes out of nowhere. Literally)

p/s Ok so, I kind of want to have a Nick & Norah NYC Night Out but that's a little macam haram so, I'll have my adapted version, thank you.

can I have your wayward stare?

Recognise the phrase 'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'? You have probably seen it around Tumblr, reblogged it because you felt angsty on a bad night without knowing who said it. David Levithan wrote that in Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I have never read Will Grayson, Will Grayson. The prospects of reading about two teenage boys in an "epic production of high school musical" seems very off- putting, gross but David Levithan, the same guy that wrote half of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (the other half was Rachel Cohn) and John Green (Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines) succeeds in capturing the angst in all of us.

Who in the world has never felt like killing themselves or killing everyone around them? Surely, committing suicide is easier than going on a homicide rampage but the latter is a better choice. Why should I die and lose out on all the great opportunities in life when I could just eliminate all these pests? Eliminate all these people who are always obstructing my pathway to happiness? Eliminate all the same people who's always causing me distress.

I have never been optimist, I am always the girl who found opportunities, look for opportunities but end up being on the losing end. How can I be an optimist when everything I want falls out of reach when it felt so near? Time and time again, I have to put up a strong front and tell myself, it's fine but how much is too much? What happens when the water gets too high?

Is the water too high now? Is that why I felt like holding a pillow over a girl and suffocate her? Is that why I hope people's car crashes?

Is the water too high?

Is this the part in the book where it seems like a happy ending is coming but the young protagonist ends up killing herself?

Is this the part where I drown? Where I don't wake up anymore. Or is this the part where I wake up with bloody hands, outside a house engulfed in fiery flames. Maybe this is what the teenage arsonists and murderers felt. Disappointment and pain without the sense of what's right and wrong. I empathise with them, I really do but my conscience tells me otherwise.

One more year, it tells me. One more year to wait until you can leave everything behind and start again. Start fresh. Be your own person, be a new person. One more year, it tells me.

One more year until a new beginning. Don't go killing anyone or yourself yet. Just one more year. Maybe the next time I wake up, the water will never get too high and I won't find myself in middle of the night sobbing away the misery.

Current Location: too close to today than tomorrow
Current mood: tired
Current music: What You Want- Bombay Bicycle Club

p/s So, um, A Different Kind of Fix is a great album for the depressed, oppressed and repressed

all that live must die.

I am tired. Exhausted. And I'm also suffering from a severe case of flu. My Biology tuition teacher once said that everytime you get a flu, it's a different kind of antigen that is attacking your immune system. So, tell me, how many antigens had attacked me? How many more left? Or am I simply, not immune to them and that the same antigens have been attacking me over and over and over again?

How many more because I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of coughing and sneezing. I am just tired, in general.

This is meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Antigens attacking me. My, learning of the antigens attacking me, the process of it, the body's response to it but yet I cannot do anything to prevent or hasten the process. I just lay there, waiting for something that never comes. A cure for forever. What is the point of everything then? What is the point of learning when I can't change anything? I learnt that pills destroy you, it destroys your liver but yet whenever we get sick we pop a pill. I ate five Panadols and two Clarinase today but I still feel like chugging the whole bar. It still wouldn't help and it will kill me instead if I ingest everything.

So, how do I survive? How do I save myself without killing myself? This is meaningless when all that live must die.What is the point of lengthening a few years of our lifespan when we do so little to repent? When we don't even seek for atonement? What's the point of wishing for a healthy and long life when we do nothing productive of it?

I tell myself everyday, this too shall pass but that's not true. Nothing passes. Everything just ends up lingering over you.

Current location: Somewhere I don't belong
Current mood: -
Current music: Untitled- Diandra Arjunaidi

ask and you shall receive.

Hello, folks. So, I haven't been blogging for a while. The busy life of a sleepless seventeen sixteen year old. HAH! NOT! It's just that inspiration comes in the night- time and I have lost the night- time computer privileges, whoopee!

Okay, so, life in the last year of school wasn't as I had expected. Class is boring. Especially, when you're stuck in a class where everyone is absurdly nice and smart (probably eat brains for lunch, those people) and you're the only one who comes late to school, doesn't pass up books and skips class. So, where do I fit in? I can't even cheat anymore... and maybe you don't have to know that. Hahahaha.

Last year, I thought my class sucked. This year, I think my new class sucks. Question is, which one sucks more? As per usual to people who dislike change, old is better than new but to me, everything has its pros and cons. So, 4C or 5A? The answer is I prefer 4C. Less pressure, more 'kyo- kyo'.

WHAT THE FUDGE IS 'KYO- KYO'?

Okay, so, last year, my class is notorious for half of the class skipping Biology lab sessions with Puan Latiffah. One day, all of us were caught by the discipline teacher, En. Selva. He's not a scary guy or anything but obviously, a punishment will be bequeathed upon us. Anyways, the ones who skipped were a bunch of Chinese (not to be racist or anything but they were Chinese) and Nina, Adilah, Rash and I. So, comes in En. Selva who went on and on about the Chinese student whom he dubbed 'The Kuey Tiaw Gang'.

"You ah, Kuey Tiaw Gang can kyo- kyo (chatter) until Valentine's Day next year. Kyo- kyo away..." Then, he noticed us. Rash took off in a split second. "Why are you girls here?" he asked. Adilah said that we were confused and thought class was upstairs because half the class was upstairs. True enough... Never mind that half the Kuey Tiaw gang wasn't even in my class.

So, Kuey Tiaw Gang > A++ students. I kyo- kyo a lot. I sing in the class a lot. I like to cause mental trauma to Qin Hui a lot (not to be revealed what I did to him. Hahahaha). I like to bake a million red velvet cupcakes and stuff my face with it in class. I miss eating lasagna with the girls in class. Hanging out at the back with the gang.

It's entering March and I barely speak. I sleep and I do delayed homeworks. I eat in class alone. Boring manufactured bread. I don't even feel like I'm contributing anything to my class (last year, decorations were a blast and Alex Turner was somewhere in there). I became a wallflower, the boring kind. Not the holla- I got a big smile- I looove nachos- I love Red Bull- and I'm high 90% of the time.

Thing is, my new class, most of them are extroverts who already know each other. I'm like 'hi, I'm from 4C, you may mistake me as Farah, call me Izyan and ignore me.' It doesn't help that time drags on like it was carrying a 500 tonnes load. Life is boring and uninspiring. Someone make it December already. I just want everything to end so I can actually have time for myself which I barely have now.

I haven't even finished reading the books I got last month. Usually, it took me a week to end one. I haven't written anything in the past month, discover any fresh music, went to the cinema to catch a film, been to anything. And I'm probably going to miss The Pains of Being Pure at Heart show at KLPac this weekend regardless whether I win the tickets or not. Someone just save me already. I asked for them to come yet I probably can't go. Ask and you shall receive, right?

Current location: popteevee.net (That Effing Show, woohoo! It's been a while, I miss you, baby)

Current mood: further from happy than I expected

Current music: Counter Productive- The Great Metropolitan Expressway

hang out with the stars and the big moon

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and yes, I spare no time for petty hellos). What defines independent music? Or indie as those young young people call it. Indie music is oh- so common and famous these days but are they indie? Is indie now a genre? IS INDIE FROM INDIA? Okay, that wasn't funny...

But anyway, way way back when I used to listen to this so called "indie" genre, they were ultimately independent. Running along without a proper label or management. Self funding their releases. Independent financially, hence the coined term, indie. So, I was listening to indie. 5 YEARS AGO.

I was on Facebook the other day and I saw a post, "Any good indie music recommendations?" A girl told him to listen to Vampire Weekend's Giving Up The Gun. VAMPIRE WEEKEND IS INDIE NOW?! Blame Wikipedia. Blame Allmusic. Sure. After all, Vampire Weekend is still under XL (independent music label in the UK, quite massive, they spawned Adele!) in the UK.

All those so called indie musicians are now mainstream regardless whether the masses want to acknowledge the fact or not. They're all signed to huge labels like Virgin, Mercury or little tiny labels (to mask their mainstreamness) that are a part of a huge corporate operation. So how now brown cow? All you "cool hipsters" who listen to Foster the People. They're not indie... Alternative? Sure! Indie? Hell no.

And then, there's the whole Hipster Issue. Malaysians vs. the World. Malaysian hipsters are so weird and the least cool of the world's hipsters. People regard those Supra wearing, DSLR slinging teens loitering in Bukit Bintang hipsters. What?! While the rest of the world has pretty blue- blond girls with tribal printed tank tops and cute boys in TOMS, slinging analogue Leicas .

Click the illustration! Read the post!

Okay, so I admit, I think they're cute and I kind of adore them but hey, I'm more hippie than hipster. I want to camp in a teepee during Coachella or Leeds Festival. I want to drink organic green tea while inhaling the scent of vanilla incense sticks. And no it's not the same as drinking organic coffee.

Current location: in a teepee during Coachella with Ezra Koenig

Current mood: happeyh

Current music: Dilettante- St. Vincent

Come to think of it, Johann just called me hipster versi pencinta jejaka Amerika jiwang yang berjambang lebat i.e. Bon Iver, Iron and Wine. His new mutant hipster creation. Hahahahaha.