Last I posted, I wasn't happy. Unfulfilled. Unfortunately, my unhappiness were diagnosed and had dire consequences to my overall being which unraveled itself over the course of that summer. That autumn I went back to Cardiff, I was determined to make some serious changes. I am, after all, the architect of my own happiness (major creds to Mustafa back in Marrakech for the highly inspiring, much need pep talk). Changes were slow but it came and progressed. Between September 2016 to May 2017, I was still adjusting. To the realities I was about to face, the truths I had to tell, the lies I told myself to hold myself up together. Maintaining the perfect facade I had built over the reality of my being.
Fast forward to December 2017.
I told my truths to the appropriate people albeit in a more roundabout way than it should have been and not the whole truth but the truth they wanted to hear. It's liberating to relieve the burden of keeping a secret. (I'm also being intensely vague as to what are these truths I am speaking of because A. I have no idea who's reading this B. I'd like to keep a semblance of privacy here). I'm happier, I reckon.
I laugh more. I'm doing something I enjoy. I don't have the same anxieties that I have two years ago. Everything's looking quite bright right now but I know it probably won't last. I'm not a pessimist, I promise but a realist. The people I have bonded with are leaving Cardiff in 2018 for industrial placements or graduating, so I'm back to square one aka 2016/2017. I don't know what I'd do in 2018/2019 but...
I'll be older and hopefully wiser, yes?
So I'll probably be... okay.
Then, what is this blogpost for?
To be honest, I don't know. A big part of me genuinely wanted to say 'Hey guys, life update: I'm happy now' but the realist in me has succeeded in persuading me to write 'Hey guys, life update, I'm happy now but not for long probably'. I don't what's in it for me in the future... What I do know is that I have to seize all the goddamned opportunities right in front of me right and not waste any minute. I'm getting older, more jaded, more sceptical of the world. I cannot lose the enthusiasm I have for the now at 22.
Pray that Toronto will be fantastic, a change from small hum-drum Cardiff but that's where I will be for the winter term. Such a waste to be spending my time there when life is so good here after two year worth of inner struggle. I must really secretly hate seeing myself happy.
Current location: a Phoenix gig
Current mood: sleepy
Current music: Phoenix - Ti Amo
p/s don't bloody tell me to calm down. my issues are relevant even if it's not to you.
p/s don't bloody tell me to calm down. my issues are relevant even if it's not to you.
