the strange illusion that you keep

I have come to realization that I'm the one. Amidst all the so- called "change", I'm the one who changed. Not the environment, not the people and definitely not my class. I have changed a lot these past few months and thing is, I miss me. And I think people miss the me that I miss too.

I miss the girl that jumps at every little beautiful thing and shows it to everyone be it the shade of the sky, a moon at early morning or the buildings behind all the mist (or smoke?). I miss that girl. I miss the girl who does not blank in the middle of conversations or sits alone, staring into space. I wasn't that person before. I was the jovial one, the restless one. What happened in between all the disappointments and heartbreaks? What happened as time passes by? I'm supposed to know the reason why I'm so depressed and irritable. Why I'm so blank and boring. Why I'm so content with being left all alone by myself.

Is this where Paramore sings I sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness?

When did I start giving up? I want to be the person I was before. The let's go! girl. The one that fucking jumps. No hesitation, no fear. The one that made everyone laugh. Not the one that intimidates people and definitely not the stoned girl at the back of the classroom. What happened?

Honestly, I just don't know anymore. I cry at everything. Even the lamest, cheesiest stories on TV and I just don't laugh anymore. Everything falls short to amuse me. What happened to smiling so big, my eyes go sepet and my teeth overwhelms my face? Laughing so hard, I couldn't breath. Feeling something so amazing, I couldn't speak. That's just history.

Now can someone take me out for a Subway, then get some of The Last Polka's Nutella or Teh Tarik ice cream before heading to an outdoor movie fest. After that, we'll go catch Tenderfist on some rooftop a la Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist ending scene without missing the show. Instead, it's past midnight, there's gamajillion (haven't used this happyhappy word in a while) stars visible to the naked eye and Tenderfist plays the hidden track in It's Sunday, We're Alive". Night turns to day, it's 5 a.m., They Will Kill Us All shows up out of nowhere, the opening riffs of Under The Red Sky was heard loud and clear and the sun- the beautiful, glorious sun was rising. And maybe if I was like 25 at that time, propose (provided that you're the guy I'm hopelessly and madly in love with).

And maybe one day, I'll have a song as cute and adorable like Nick and Norah's theme at (0:20). Beautiful. Yes, I'm obsessed and a big dreamer. Why can't I be?


And THIS!

Current Location: At Maida Vale, serenaded by SBTRKT's Trials of the Past
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: How Deep Is Your Love- The Rapture (so, SBTRKT left the stage and The Rapture comes out of nowhere. Literally)

p/s Ok so, I kind of want to have a Nick & Norah NYC Night Out but that's a little macam haram so, I'll have my adapted version, thank you.

can I have your wayward stare?

Recognise the phrase 'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'? You have probably seen it around Tumblr, reblogged it because you felt angsty on a bad night without knowing who said it. David Levithan wrote that in Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I have never read Will Grayson, Will Grayson. The prospects of reading about two teenage boys in an "epic production of high school musical" seems very off- putting, gross but David Levithan, the same guy that wrote half of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (the other half was Rachel Cohn) and John Green (Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines) succeeds in capturing the angst in all of us.

Who in the world has never felt like killing themselves or killing everyone around them? Surely, committing suicide is easier than going on a homicide rampage but the latter is a better choice. Why should I die and lose out on all the great opportunities in life when I could just eliminate all these pests? Eliminate all these people who are always obstructing my pathway to happiness? Eliminate all the same people who's always causing me distress.

I have never been optimist, I am always the girl who found opportunities, look for opportunities but end up being on the losing end. How can I be an optimist when everything I want falls out of reach when it felt so near? Time and time again, I have to put up a strong front and tell myself, it's fine but how much is too much? What happens when the water gets too high?

Is the water too high now? Is that why I felt like holding a pillow over a girl and suffocate her? Is that why I hope people's car crashes?

Is the water too high?

Is this the part in the book where it seems like a happy ending is coming but the young protagonist ends up killing herself?

Is this the part where I drown? Where I don't wake up anymore. Or is this the part where I wake up with bloody hands, outside a house engulfed in fiery flames. Maybe this is what the teenage arsonists and murderers felt. Disappointment and pain without the sense of what's right and wrong. I empathise with them, I really do but my conscience tells me otherwise.

One more year, it tells me. One more year to wait until you can leave everything behind and start again. Start fresh. Be your own person, be a new person. One more year, it tells me.

One more year until a new beginning. Don't go killing anyone or yourself yet. Just one more year. Maybe the next time I wake up, the water will never get too high and I won't find myself in middle of the night sobbing away the misery.

Current Location: too close to today than tomorrow
Current mood: tired
Current music: What You Want- Bombay Bicycle Club

p/s So, um, A Different Kind of Fix is a great album for the depressed, oppressed and repressed

all that live must die.

I am tired. Exhausted. And I'm also suffering from a severe case of flu. My Biology tuition teacher once said that everytime you get a flu, it's a different kind of antigen that is attacking your immune system. So, tell me, how many antigens had attacked me? How many more left? Or am I simply, not immune to them and that the same antigens have been attacking me over and over and over again?

How many more because I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of coughing and sneezing. I am just tired, in general.

This is meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Antigens attacking me. My, learning of the antigens attacking me, the process of it, the body's response to it but yet I cannot do anything to prevent or hasten the process. I just lay there, waiting for something that never comes. A cure for forever. What is the point of everything then? What is the point of learning when I can't change anything? I learnt that pills destroy you, it destroys your liver but yet whenever we get sick we pop a pill. I ate five Panadols and two Clarinase today but I still feel like chugging the whole bar. It still wouldn't help and it will kill me instead if I ingest everything.

So, how do I survive? How do I save myself without killing myself? This is meaningless when all that live must die.What is the point of lengthening a few years of our lifespan when we do so little to repent? When we don't even seek for atonement? What's the point of wishing for a healthy and long life when we do nothing productive of it?

I tell myself everyday, this too shall pass but that's not true. Nothing passes. Everything just ends up lingering over you.

Current location: Somewhere I don't belong
Current mood: -
Current music: Untitled- Diandra Arjunaidi