Does anyone actually read what I write here anymore?

I first started this blog in 2008. I was thirteen and all I wanted to write about was k-pop bands and animes. My friends used to read what I wrote, we had similar interests, they had blogs as well and blogs were a thing. People used to write one sentence long Facebook statuses. The blogs was where you'd read about everything. Reviews, recipes, tutorials, rants, everything. Vlogs were a thing but they were not as HD as they are now, voice- overs were usually crap and buffering was a thing no one could be bothered to confront. YAS, buffering every two seconds was a thing. An unpleasant thing of the past that hopefully no one has to face ever.

When I was seventeen, I went through a period of angst and like most angsty teenagers in 2012, I vent on my blog, made a tumblr and reblogged some depressing af shit there. It took me a while to break out from my shell of angst, about a year. During that time, I called my teen angst ~depression~ because tumblr made being depressed pretty. Staring into the sunset kind of depression. I wasn't depressed. I was an angsty, immature little girl who thought that the world was against her and the only way out was to shut people out and escape.

About a year- ish later, I "found" myself because I had the chance to reinvent myself. I was happier with my new and improved self. No, scratch that. I wasn't happier, I was HAPPY. Content. satisfied. I have everything I wanted. I had a damn good life. I peaked, sort of, even if reaching to the peak was hurtful as hell but I peaked like I peaked when I was sixteen. Happy and thriving.

I left home at twenty, to another country. I thought I had it all.

I don't. I am as unhappy as unhappy can be. This time, it is real. It is not angst. It is bigger than angst. It is the realisation that I am unsatisfied with my state of loneliness.

In November, way back when in 2011, I wrote this;

'Perhaps, I've only realized this now but I don't really have a friend who truly enjoys the same things as I do. Last time I checked, most of them were guys or I have fallen out of love with the things I used to revel at. That or I have fallen out of touch with those who used to be the greatest of companions. Now, I'm just alone. 

It's not that I don't have friends, I just don't have my Pash yet. Oh dear God, please bless me with a Pash. The Bliss Cavendar in me is dying to have a Pash. An Oliver would be certain to spice things up too. But a Pash would do. An amazing friend like Pash would do. 

Now, who's Pash, you may wonder? Well, excuse my Whip It reference.'

Today, I am twenty turning twenty- one.

I moved to a place where I don't have a Pash. At sixteen, I was optimistic (see the use of yet). At twenty, I should be more mature, more confident and more aware of what I want, what I need. I am flailing, on the verge of drowning.

For the past nine months, I have been treading on water and now on my final month before I return home for summer, I am on the verge of drowning.

I have never felt more alone than I am right now.

Am I a sad milennial? But I haven't graduated, I haven't worked a single minute in my life and I am living extremely comfortably thanks to my amazing baby boomer parents.

I am sad because I don't know what I want in my life. Everything that I said I wanted a year ago, I attained it. I wanted to be here. I wanted to do what I am currently doing. But what happens when you run out of goals that define you? What if the goals that used to motivate you gets clouded by unhappiness? Then, how do you get rid of the dark cloud looming over your existence?

Unfortunately, this is not a blog of solutions. If I had a solution, I would have written a post called "How I Destroyed My Cloud of Unhappiness" but here I am, burdened with questions that only I can answer yet I am incapacitated to.

So, those are my problems. Problems I don't know how to solve. Problems I am too proud to seek help for. Because I shall not let myself be perceived as weak.

No one reads this anyway.

Goodbye and goodnight.

Current location: caerdydd
Current mood: moody af
Current music: Asgeir- King and Cross

if I could remain in one moment in life, I would choose to permanently be on the road in Iceland infinitely.